Thursday, April 11, 2013

So Frustrated.. how to stay on track when things are not happening the way you want them to.


I want to thank everyone for the lovely support that is continuing since I wrote last weeks post.  

I am really struggling right now because I feel like I have been totally betrayed by my body.  Please, this is venting and I am not asking for advice on diet or commentary on my food choices, thank you.   I would however, love to know how YOU handle the emotional side of this whole thing.  How you keep doing the "next right thing" when your body doesn't seem to be responding the way it has in the past.

I weigh myself daily.  This has been something that has worked for me in the past, but lately it has been an exercise bordering on mental self abuse.  I am still struggling with health problems (and infection that will not go away)..   Fortunately,  I am recovering well from the surgery I had, and the intense pain I was in before the surgery has been fixed, but for some reason, my body is just not reacting the way I feel it should and I'm just so frustrated.  I am fairly active.  I walk 3 miles to and from work and I work in my feet all day long. I go up and down stairs all day long at work, but for some reason, I AM GAINING WEIGHT.  This morning I sat here and literally felt my body swell up and weighed myself and I am 10 lbs heavier than I was two days ago.

My rational mind knows this is water weight, because there's no way I can gain fat that fast, but it's so frustrating to see the number on the scale and have no idea what to do to change this.

I suppose I should pick a day and time to weigh myself once a week so I don't drive myself crazy with these massive fluctuations..   My hormones are totally out of whack since I don't have any ovaries (that's another horrible health story from my past)..  and I am having constant hot flashes and then chills.  That's when I notice the bloating the worst.

I think what is so frustrating is what was working soooo well for me in the past is not working anymore.  Or I guess that's not fair, since I was walking between 6-12 miles a day and now I'm not.  I know why I GAINED the weight over the past several months, but now that I'm back to a more active lifestyle, I'm not sure why I'm STILL gaining.

Things that work against me (But to be fair, I was working with food the entire time I lost weight and had to taste the food I was preparing)

  • I have to taste the food I prepare all day long.  I cook everything from scratch and season thing and food, especially vegan food requires a lot of tasting, then seasoning then re-tasting to make it really yummy.  
  • I am only walking 3 miles a day to get to/from work
  • I am exhausted when I come home from work after being on feet and walking to do any more exercise.  This is probably because I've put on 20 lbs and also because my body is totally 100% depleted from the c-diff and recovering from surgery.
I am at a loss.. obviously, I need to figure out a new plan of action.  I was just so angry and frustrated when I got on the scale this morning.

I also threw away ALL of my "fat clothes" and most of my clothes are tight on me now, which makes me feel like shit.  

Soo...  I feel like I've hit a new type of bottom today... I'm just so very frustrated, but I'm not going to give up.  I'm going to exercise today and continue to eat well.  I woke up starving and had a big salad for breakfast with leftover roasted beets, veggies and hummus. 


I will drink my super spicy blender juice... (beets, ginger, hot peppers, beet greens and chia seeds)


and make healthy choices with food and most importantly, pay attention to portions.  That is my biggest downfall is eating too much.  

I am going to stay off of the scale for a week.  I will weigh myself Thursday April 18th.  

49 comments:

  1. I've always struggled with my weight too, and when I've been really trying to exercise and eat better and counting calories, I sometimes cry when I get on the scale. It's not fair, and there are so many judgmental people out there who don't understand and tell you well, "if you would just try harder..."

    I wish I had the magic words for making you feel better! It sounds like you are doing amazing things for your body, and at the end of that, that has to be enough. Good luck!

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    1. Thank you Jodi and good luck to you too

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  2. Oh sweetie... *hugs*... you are so brave! And I get every word you are saying(as you well know). Please don't hate your beautiful self ever again.

    For anyone reading this who struggles with negative self-talk, I highly recommend Tara Brach's audiobook, Radical Self-Acceptance. It is truly healing. Truly.

    Tara's work played a prominent role in my own recovery from self-hatred (although at times I still struggle with old patterns of thought) and return to health after several years of obesity and illness. I am forever indebted to her for her insights and message.

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    1. I love you my sweet Uze!!!!

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    2. Thank you for this book recommendation! I just got it for my Kindle and I'm starting it today!

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  3. I totally understand what you are going through. I wish I had the answer, if I did I would not be in the situation I'm in! When I first lost weight I donated all of my fat clothes... then when I regained I had to go out and buy new clothes, which was a slap in the face. I still have all of my "skinny" clothes and I wonder how I ever fit into them in the first place.

    For me, I had to come to terms with the fact that I have a food addiction. I know that is totally different from you, but for me, reading self help books has helped. Limiting how often I weigh myself to once or twice per week has helped because seeing those daily fluctuations, even if they were fluctuations of less than a pound, would ruin my entire day.

    I'm at a loss because you eat very healthy food and are very active. Have you asked your doctor about it? Hormones could definitely be a factor.

    Keep your head up because you are taking care of yourself and though I don't have any advice for you, just know that you have a lot of support and understanding out here!!

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    1. I definitely have a food addiction... even if it's to healthy food.. I eat too much of it.. I comfort myself with it.. I'm going to start tracking my food to get a more realistic view of the actual calories.. :-) btw, I sent you an email.

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    2. I got your email, thanks! Have you tried Sparkpeople? That site helped me a lot when I first lost weight. The food tracking is great as well as the support within the community.

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  4. Be gentle with yourself. Your body has had a really difficult time, and it takes so much longer for things to get back to normal than we realize. After my second son was born, I was extremely anemic. After 3 weeks of eating insanely iron rich foods and taking supplements, I thought I felt normal. Then I went grocery shopping...with two boys...by myself. Things did not go well. I went back to bed for two days afterward.

    Take your time. As miserable as it is to be in too tight clothes, you won't be like this long. (((HUGS)))

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  5. you are still recovering from your surgery! you may feel more like your normal self but that's just not the case! keep eating your wonderful food and drinking lots of water, get the exercise that you can ( 6 miles a day is amazing plus the time all day on your feet) don't forget that after surgery the body goes thru many changes and things take a while to get back to normal- I have had some major surgery's and understand what you are going thru! my body also did not bounce back the way I wanted it to and not nearly fast enough for me but I learned that it takes time! best of luck to you in your recovery

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    1. Thanks Trude.. I am actually not walking 6 mi per day ,but 3.. which is a drastic decrease in activity..

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  6. four words: throw out your scale!!!! it's so liberating. xoxo ya, perfect stranger :)

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  7. This happens to me, except I have to weigh myself--I compete in a restricted weight class, so water weight is a very real problem. When I'm seeing numbers I don't like, I try to drink extra water so I can just pretend it's from being really well hydrated. And emotionally, I try to think long term. I've gotten into the habit of weighing myself multiple times a day before, so getting it down to 2-3 times a week is my goal. Instead, I try to think about where I want my weight to be in 5 or 10 years.

    It helps me realize that the short term fluctuations are like dust in the wind. The pieces that stick with you are being able to make good eating choices and taking solace in healthy, clean foods to comfort you, rather than heavy, unhealthy foods. Emotionally, that helps me on weeks where I eat all vegetables and still gain weight. Happens to the best of us (even those of us that exercise 15+ hours/week!!!)

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    1. Thanks... I'm sorry you deal with this too.. dust in the wind.. I like that.

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  8. You don't have a normal self right now. Your body is stressed and is hanging on to food and water in survival mode. Please be lovingly patient with yourself. I agree that positive thoughts are more likely to be helpful to you than discouragement and shame. Maybe some Louise Hay? I really respect your blog and recipes, take care.

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    1. Thank you for reminding me.. I totally know that my body is freaking out.

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  9. Welcome to the club! Bodies are curious things aren't they? You give them what you think they need and they spend their time holding in water, fat, ANYTHING that they can to infuriate you ;). I guess they are doing us a favour as we fat storers (and water storers) are the real survivors when it comes down to it. "Come the revolution" when we are all huddled under our beds hiding from the zombie invaders, we more rotund bodacious babes are going to last longer than our envied skinny faster metabolising sisters. Pity the revolution doesn't give us an edge socially eh? ;). If you are gaining water you must be like me, a salt-a-holic. I spend half my nights getting up to pee thanks to my salty addiction ;). It took my body a while to respond to what I was doing for it initially. The very first thing that I did was hide my scales and just get on with it. Scales make you feel like shit. They lie to you and they denegrate your efforts. They aren't a true reflection of who and what you are and if my husband was to go by the scales he would be overweight but he has a muscular frame and enormous shoulders and no fat on him! Get your other half to hide them somewhere you can't find them (maybe in the next county? ;) ) and just eat what you know is good for you. Anything you post here! I am "doing it" through your recipes and you know that your body will eventually toe the line. For now, let it get used to it's new environment...it's hoarding for the future at the moment...stress makes you do crazy things and our bodies are no exception. Hugs from a fellow bodacious babe in Tassie Australia :)

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    1. haha.. thanks for the smile.. you're right.. I need to just do the "right" thing.. and yes, I definitely love salt. That will be the first area I can work on.

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  10. Much of the same inexplicable things were happening to me. After years of feeling increasingly miserable I underwent yet another endoscopy. Good/bad news... celiac now. For years I had increasing symptoms. The symptoms were numerous; gastric and non gastric. Ridiculous weight gain unjustifed by food intake. I'm now validated for my misery. I'm gluten free and am beginning to feel better. Also seeing an endocrinologist to help sort things out. Our health can deteriorate despite our best efforts. Unfortunately healthy foods can't fix everything but they do help. Caving in and seeing specialists was my best move.

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    1. Thanks! I have had an endoscopy recently.. not fun. I cried like a baby before hand, I was so scared.

      You know, I should commit to 30 days gluten free to see if it helps. I know I have a wheat sensitivity. Thanks for the reminder and I'm glad you found out what was going on with you!

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  11. Please be kind to yourself and stop weighing yourself. I recognize that this used to be an enjoyable daily activity when you were actively shedding pounds, but now it's just making you miserable. And I'm sure you know that what you see on the scale is not absolute. That number doesn't account for muscles gained (which weigh more than fat) or water weight. It's just a number. I stopped weighing myself (or at least looking at the numbers on the scale) the day of my first pregnancy checkup - a time when I too felt beyond control of my body. It was the sanest decision I've made and now I just go by how my clothes feel on me. You have been through a lot and, in addition to eating well and exercising moderately (which seem to make you feel good) and getting the rest you require, you need to be kind to yourself while your body is in flux. As you know, hormones and steroids and all kinds of things can take your body in directions you don't anticipate. Give yourself a break. I love your blog and I do hope you feel better soon.

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    1. Thanks! I had my boyfriend hide the scale... I will weight myself twice a month from now on.

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  12. Sending you back all the positivity you have shared with me and others. May you be free from suffering. May you be peaceful and at ease. May you be healthy and strong.

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  13. I hope you're starting to feel better. Here's a thought: You mentioned you've been fighting an infection, which made me wonder if you've been taking antibiotics, which made me wonder if the antibiotics could be feeding the weight gain. I've read a few articles lately about an antibiotic/weight gain connection. Here's one in Scientific American: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=antibiotics-linked-weight-gain-mice
    (I love your blog. Thanks for all the work you do for it :) )

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    1. Thanks for the article... I have been on antibiotics of one type or another since January, so that could definitely be part of it.

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  14. I'm not so sure how helpful this is, but I too like to weigh myself daily. If I'm having a bad day and the scale is going higher than I want, I jump off before it gives me a final number. Silly, but it seems to sort of work for me. Or did, until my scale lost it's mind - even with new batteries it does wacky crazy things (like some days I can just stand on it until it lowers itself to a number I want).

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  15. I find that for me, a community (even if it's one other cheerleader), helps me feel accountable. By you writing this blog post, you are sharing your vulnerability and also your commitment with people and hopefully that'll help!

    I read somewhere either in an old post or FB that you're on Sparkpeople. When I really get on a roll, I use it DAILY and the encouragement I get from my "friends" on the site really helps me through the ups and downs. If you'd like to befriend me on it, I'm "susieqqq123". I'm 4 weeks away from having a baby, so not focusing on weight loss at the moment, but I will be in about 2 months and then I'll be more regular at checking in on it!

    Hugs to you! And thank you for sharing your struggles. You've had a rough few months, so make sure you allow yourself some grace. It never feels good when your clothes don't fit, but if you can focus on the good feeling of inch-by-inch getting back into them, hopefully you won't head into the downward spiral that so many of us do! XOXO

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  16. Thanks so much for sharing. Indeed, there's got to be a special insidiousness as to how the very same numbers that felt so positively lovely going DOWN the scale, feel so ridiculously awful should one be so unfortunate as to have to see them again on the way back UP. :-( But alas, I think we an all relate -- it's just a constant struggle for so many, so please just know you are not alone (FAR from it)....

    In any case, I know you didn't want diet advice (since you already know what works for you), and are probably already familiar with this particular program (preaching to the choir), but I'll go ahead and just throw it out here for what it's worth since your diet already seems SO similar (vegan, whole foods, plenty good healthy carbs) and it's not much of a stretch from what you are already doing: Dr McDougall's Maximum Weight Loss Program (AKA The Starch Solution) http://www.drmcdougall.com/forums/index.php Regardless, here's wishing you all the best in health and wellness, and thanks again for sharing.....

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  18. Don't give up, I know sometime you can feel discouraged, but look from where you've came from. You're an inspiration for lots of people.

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  20. Thanks for such an honest, authentic blog! I would love to get the recipe for your spicy beet blender juice!

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  22. You are such an inspiration, I love your blog and check in every few months to see what is going on. I remember reading about your move and your life style changes and was so thrilled to come back and see you had lost the weight. I dropped 4 sizes because of your inspiration. Looking at this post today I send you hugs and blessings and prayers. You got this, you know how to do this and you and your blog radiate beauty.

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  23. When that voice inside your head starts to beat you up again, please know that there are so many of us out here grateful for you and the inspiration you share. And we are pulling for you. I don't have a ton of community/friend support on my vegan quest, and you have been a tremendous help. Thank you. Be kind to yourself and your body. Have you ever tried meditating? It's good for quieting the voice inside of your head. There are lots of guided meditations available on Audible and iTunes. Might not help shed pounds, but will help abate frustration and promote inner peace. Thank you again for all that you do -- love your Facebook posts each day.

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  24. Mel I know this post is older but I want you to remember how very much your body has been through and it's just trying to protect you the best it knows how. I suspect like we talked about that a lot of it is water which is what your body does under stress and hormonal issues only compound that. I love you so much and you are BEAUTIFUL no matter what that scale says. Hugs!

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  26. Scales have always destroyed my self esteem, so I only weigh myself once a month and never when I have my period. I check my waist measurement weekly though and as long as it's the same or smaller, I'm happy. Like you, healthy eating is so important to me - however I have a fairly inactive job/life so I have to be pretty mindful of my portions. I've lost around 18lbs in the past 6 months - I always fall off the wagon for a day when my period is coming and I've just come to accept it and let myself do it because my body obviously needs more food at the time. Good luck sweetheart x

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  30. First of all, you have to try to keep on top of the C-diff!! That's nothing to play around with. Not feeling well for so long can mess with your mind as well as your body. I too have medical problems and hardly eat but seem to at times feel/and at times gain weight. (Strange when my baby grand children eat more than me.) Have you had your thyroid checked and complete blood work up? Sounds like that may be in order.

    From what I read here, you have a lot of people rooting for you! You sound like you are nutritionally on the right track. It's not easy that's for sure. I lost 55lbs 5 yrs ago and am always afraid it will creep back. I still would like to lose 20 more but health is getting in the way and not exercise is available.

    You can do it! You've already done so well, just worry about getting yourself physically well first!

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    1. Fortunately, the C Diff is gone... I was really sick with it from January until late April.. I am sooo glad it's gone now..

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