Do you have any idea what it’s like to look down and see the scale read 310 pounds? Oh my god, I wanted to die. I think that was my highest weight, but it could have been even higher, because I stopped weighing myself after that.
285 lbs (25 lbs less than my highest weight)
Let me tell you what life is like at 310 pounds. Everything hurts. People say, “go for a walk”, but what they don’t realize is that every step feels like torture. I remember walking across the street to get my mail would make my heart pound and I would feel out of breath. Walking for 5 minutes felt like 5 hours. With every step, I would feel crushing pain in my lower back and a panic would start and I began to HATE myself with such a passion. On a good day, I was able to channel that HATRED into momentum and I would repeat my mantra, inside of my head, “Anything is better than nothing, anything is better than nothing.”
285, so miserable.
With each step, I would vacillate between utter helplessness and maybe a glimmer of hope. I remember one day, I was only able to walk for 90 seconds at a time. I would walk, rest, and then walk again and I managed a whole 15 minutes by the end of the day. That was an accomplishment, believe me.
I was someone who had always been SUPER ACTIVE, and may things led up to the weight gain, which I will probably talk about in later posts, but finding myself in this situation was so shocking.
Did I mention the self-hate? Oh yeah. I did. Well, I can’t mention it enough because it became my prison.
My poor children. They were always so loving and supportive of me, yet I was too embarrassed to be seen in public with them. I didn’t want them to look bad. I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do with them. I hid. From life. From friends. From my family. I don’t ever want to go back to that.
I am looking through some old pictures and my heart is fucking breaking for them.. and for me. I am going to post these pictures, because I want YOU to see how bad it was. On this day, we had gone hiking and it was hell for me. We hiked Mt. Major, which is not a very huge hike, but the walk down, almost killed my knees. My kids were so concerned and it turned what was a normally awesome day into a day filled with them being concerned for me. I literally feel sick to my stomach looking at these pictures, not because I’m disgusted by my appearance (I am), but because I just remember the utter HELL I was living in and the hell I put my poor family through worrying about me. They missed out having all of me as a mom. That’s a hard one to admit to, but it is the truth. It’s hard not to hate myself today because of that, but I have realized that life is way too short to waste on hating yourself. Today is all we have. .. but the reality is that every single thing in my life was affected by my weight.
I would NEVER go out to eat with my family. They would BEG me to come, but I wouldn’t because I was too fucking FAT TO FIT IN A BOOTH COMFORTABLY and I couldn’t stand the embarrassment.
Finding clothes was a challenge, because my boobs were enormous. The pain of the bra cutting into my back made breathing difficult. Everything was a struggle.
I didn’t know how to get out of the nightmare. I would find the gumption to start walking, and the first MONTH was torture, but if I could stick it out, I would start dropping weight fast and my endurance came back. I would be walking 3 miles easily. During this time, I was here, blogging. It is obvious I am pretty food obsessed and frankly, most of the weight I gained was from eating “healthy” foods, just WAY TOO MUCH OF THEM. Bread and hummus was a huge downfall for a long time. Hell, bread is still a challenge for me.
Do you have any idea what it’s like to go grocery shopping as a morbidly obese woman? The stares you get the snickers. People would LOOK INTO MY CART with disgust and then… confusion, because most of the food in there was so healthy. Cashiers would ask if I was starting a new diet, although they came to know me at the local Market Basket and we would chat about all the veggies I was buying and what I would make with them. I remember one day, these two teen girls walked by me and said straight to my face, “I would kill myself if I looked like you.”
Walking outside for exercise, I have been heckled and humiliated, “Hey fatty, it’s going to take a lot more than a walk about the block to lose that ass.”
I was walking past an ice cream store and someone yelled out, “Go have another ice cream, fatty.”
I NEVER ever wanted my children to hear someone say that to me. I was so afraid their friends would make fun of me, but as far as I know they never did… but the FEAR of having that happen, was enough to make me isolate. Stay inside the house. I was so embarrassed to see friends who knew me before I gained weight. I had a good friend ask me is all seriousness, “Oh my god, what happened to you”.
What happened indeed? After an initial FAST weight gain of 100 lbs partially due to steroid medication and definitely due to total lack of exercise, the next 50 – 60 lbs just piled on and off, slowly but surely.. depending on my actively level and how much I was paying attention to mindless/comfort eating. I just spiraled out of control and couldn’t seem to get it back for any length of time. I tried “diets”, Weight Watchers, Gluten Free, 100% Vegan, Raw Food “Cleanses”, Counting Calories, Giving up this or that food group, Atkins (now that was difficult as a vegan leaning vegetarian).. and while they all “worked” initially, they failed because I couldn’t stick to it. I was emotionally not able to (again for many reasons, some that I may get into in the future if I find I feel comfortable being this emotionally raw online.)
To make a long story short, I became so desperate, I knew I had to do something BIG and that something was to sell my car, move to Boston (from NH) when my youngest son went to college. When I moved here Sept 24, 2011 I weighed 290 lbs. I could only walk about ½ mile at a time without severe pain, but since my lifestyle forced me to walk, even taking public transportation, you have to walk to and from stops, up and down stairs at T stations, etc. I also became a bit more mindful of the food I was putting in my mouth, eating a lot of veggies and filling up on them and being mindful of my portions. I never restricted ANYTHING. I ate whatever I wanted, I was just MINDFUL. I walked and walked and walked, I remember Thanksgiving Day (I was celebrating the next day with my family) was the first LONG walk I managed, a month after moving. I walked 6 miles and was so amazed I could do it! I started to feel FREE! I think I realized that day, that my life was changing for good this time.
Over the next 9 months or so, I lost 100 lbs. I was walking between 6-12 miles every day and working on my feet most of the day. The weight loss was effortless. During this time (I was 245 lbs when I met The BF) I started seeing The Boyfriend. I had been single for over 4 years and the thought of having a boyfriend was the last thing I could imagine before I moved to Boston… but a funny thing happened, as I started to feel more in control of myself and my life, things changed.. But that’s a whole other topic as well. Wow, there are so many layers to weight/body image/health.
But I digress, so I was walking 6-12 miles a day and the weight loss was effortless, but at the end of September, I found myself in a different living situation (with The BF) and my work situation changed as well and I was no longer walking the 6-12 miles a day and then I became ill in December and the result is a 20 pound weight gain. I REFUSE to regain the weight and go back to where I was. Writing this has been good for me, because I forgot how tormented I was. I literally had no idea what I was going to write when I sat down here, and frankly, I am feeling really sad right now that I wasted so much of my life in my own prison.
190 lbs this summer
I will not go back. Now, I am not walking 12 miles a day anymore to/from work, but I am walking around 3 miles to get to/from work. I need to make a game plan and become more mindful of my eating. I’m also recovering from C-Diff (look it up if you want) and a surgery, so my body is a bit wrecked. I will write more about my health issues soon too, if I feel comfortable.
I don’t believe in diets. I believe in whole foods. Healthy and delicious, mostly vegan whole foods, and exercise.
185 lbs this summer
I am posting a comparison picture of me at 285 and 190, which is the lowest daily weight (I think I got down to 185 for a couple of weeks this summer).. I have currently gained 20 lbs since then and weigh 210 now. Depressing, but I can get it off. I’ve done before and I will do it again. My goal weight is 155-160.
210 lbs present