Sunday, September 22, 2013

Update, explanation for disappearing. Very personal and long.

First, some of the food I've been eating...   after my foot surgery, I briefly tried a VERY low carb diet (20 net carbs per day)..  the food above represented what I ate for a while..  it didn't work well.  Vegetarians are not meant to eat so few carbs..  but I have pretty much changed the way I'm eating and will explain more about that later... (don't worry, I'm NOT eating meat!!)  but first, I want to talk about why I disappeared and give you an update on things.

I feel the need to put a trigger warning for those of you who might be sensitive to child abuse.

I had surgery on my foot August 30.  My foot situation is complicated and to make a very long story short, the actual surgery I had was to fix damage done to my foot that was inflicted through child abuse.  Due to the abuse and NO medical care for the injury, I have walked very differently my entire life and the stress fractures were a result of the original injury.

The last 4 months or so since I have been actively dealing with this and it has pretty much exhausted every last bit of reserve I have. Mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I have been in pain pretty much non-stop for months. Having to explain to numerous medical professionals the nature of my injury has brought up PTSD.  My foot was getting worse and worse, but I was in extreme denial about it due to both my past AND the fact that my entire profession as a Chef (and walking to and from work) depends on me being able to be on my feet for hours and walk between 3-6 miles a day to get to and from work. 

When I woke up unable to bear any weight on my foot, I ended up in the ER and the doctors took and x-ray and came back and asked me with a very concerned voice, "What happened to your foot."

Initially, I lied.  I said I had no idea, but they pressed me and I finally, for the first time in my life, told someone what happened.  They showed me the XRAY of my foot and how it confirmed exactly what I said..  this was both good and bad, I suppose.  Good because, I have physical proof about something.  Bad because I have physical proof about something I would rather forget about and put out of my mind forever.

Since that day, I have not been able to work. I feel like my life has been stolen from me in many ways.  I struggle with feeling very angry and bitter.  I REALLY struggle, because my main source of coping with stress was WALKING...  and working a physical job.  I have been forced to be so inactive.  I do not have a car.... and really, driving was and is very painful.  (I drive The Boyfriends' car when I absolutely have to)..

So.... why I disappeared.  I had surgery on the 30th.  They attempted to give me a nerve block, so I would be numb for 20+ hours after the surgery. (Because surgery on your foot really, really, really hurts!)  It did not work.  I have a very odd response to many medications.  The nerve block itself, was pretty traumatic...they placed it BEFORE the surgery...  and it resulted in bruising of my leg and no pain relief at all.

My upper inner thigh/knee area was also bruised ....  (the writing on my leg was so they were sure they were operating on my right foot.. I also had writing on my lower leg area.)

The surgery was a day surgery.. and I came home with a prescription for strong narcotic painkillers.  I took the pills as prescribed, and they did help with pain, but they also made me VERY on edge, anxious and agitated...  again, I seem to react to drugs VERY differently than most people.  The first night (Friday night), I was in such SEVERE, horrific pain it did not allow me to sleep.  I was terrified.  I have had 4 other surgeries in my life... but was always in the hospital on IV pain meds for the first couple days after the surgery.  The pain with this surgery took me by surprise and totally terrified me. 

Since I was up, I was on Facebook and put a status up on my MELOMEALS page.. and as is mostly par for the course, I received a lot of support... but 4 hours later, I came back on and received 3 very very negative private messages and saw that I lost over 50 "likes" or "fans" or whatever you want to call them....  and I just pretty much was like FUCK IT.. I AM DONE.. 

Realistically, I realize that most of the people who come to the site are awesome and supportive, but the messages were cruel.. and I have had more than enough CRUEL in my life.  I realized that the whole facebook/blog was actually taking away from my healing...  one of the messages accused me of lying about my foot issue so people would give me money.  The other one said they were happy I was in pain.. because I cause animals pain now that I am no longer vegan.  The third message told me to "Shut up" about my health issues and they are sick and tired of my whining... that they come to my page/site to look at food and recipes not to hear my whine about my foot. 

I think the thing that bothered me the most is that someone might think I am making this up to scam people out of money.  I recently put a donate button my blog because I am pretty desperate for money.  I haven't worked in almost 4 months... and if it wasn't for The Boyfriend, I would be homeless.  That's the reality guys.. it is what it is.  It's embarrassing... mortifying and I hate the fact that I am in this situation. I would NEVER, EVER try to scam anyone ... and I probably don't need to do this, but I feel compelled to...  prove that yes, I had the surgery...  I am not liar trying to scam people out of money.

So, you've seen/heard the worst...  

It has been 3 weeks and 2 days since the surgery.  I am wearing my boot cast almost all the time.  I can't walk or stand for very long...  I start physical therapy on Monday (tomorrow)...  I am struggling every single day with my limited mobility...  I have been off narcotic painkillers for around 2 weeks... but the pain is still pretty intense a lot of the time.  If I have an active day, I am pretty much laid up, in bed with my foot elevated and iced all day.   

This has been really, really hard... and I am not even sure I will keep the blog or facebook page up after this...  if it takes away from my mental reserve, I will not... but I hope that I can just move forward and get back to a happy, productive life. 

Right now, I am not happy.  I hate being so inactive and not able to have a life.  I feel like it has been stolen from me and I don't think I'll ever be able to work again on my feet and walk like I did... I am hoping I will, but right now, I just can't see how I will be able to. 

Hopefully, time will be my friend and I will be walking and working soon... 

So.. there's the explanation.